Alright Ladies and gentlemen. This is my fanfic. tell me what you think. Go ahead and be brutal. Thanks.
Falkow Street Blues
On a clear and breezy night in the more…Questionable parts of the wizard kingdom, a small but infamous bar known as Smooth Magic plays host to a variety of denizens. Not the least of who happens to be some of the finest of Regus.
A young, slender, sleek-looking man walks into Smooth Magic, and thus this story begins…
Bartender: Ahhhh…A Haste Soldier, one of the fastest men in the entire wizard kingdom. Nay! In the entire world!
Haste Soldier: Aww stow it Greg. Here I’m just plain old Lou. I’m just a man tryin’ to get his drink on.
Greg: Hmm….What’s on your mind?
Lou: Aww the same old same old. Haste soldier, go scout this, Haste Soldier go scout that. Haste Soldier; get in the way of that Folrart Guardian for the Spell Lancer platoon. They ain’t paying me enough. I think I should retire.
Greg: Hmm…Well it’s hard, but you’re protecting the lives of every man, woman, and child in Regus.
Lou: Meh. I mean, yeah; I do my part, fight for freedom, knowledge, and the deep blue sea and all of that, but…
Greg: But what?
Lou…I always die.
Greg: Well we are in a war. And the great Iczer above restores you to life when you fight valiantly.
Lou: Yeah but... (Repeats himself as if Greg was slow) I always die. First! Does Vodore die first? No! Does Renally Die first? No! I mean, how could she? She has that giant-ass shield over her. I swear if she was a man, I’d say she over-compensating. And as far as I’m concerned, the verdict is out on that one.
Greg: (laughs) Well, I for one think you fight admirably. Your talents bring victory to the wizard kingdom.
Lou: Yeah well I wish it DIDN’T have to be over MY dead body. (Contemplating) Damn. Am I the only one who goes through this?
Meanwhile, in another part of the universe…
Man 1: Stay with us. You can make it
Man 2: that’s ok. It’s my destiny.
(Sound of flatlining)
Man 1: Captain, we lost him.
Captain: (Sighs) another day, another red-shirt.
Back in Lavato…
Lou: Is this what my life amounts to? Some pawn in a game? Always dying… Eh. That’s enough emo for today. Hey Greg, I’m still sober! Do something about it!
Greg: Very well. What will it be?
Lou: I’m feelin’…Elf wine, then maybe some gin & tonic.
Greg: you got it.
Just after Lou downs his double shot of Elf wine, a young petite woman with a bow and a quiver full of glowing arrows storms in, and slam four gold pieces on the counter…
Woman: Two pints of your strongest ale! Stat!
Greg: Yes ma’am.
As Lou watches in astonishment at the woman who finishes her two pints as if they were air, he thinks “Jackpot”.
Lou: Damn, lady. Someone had a long day.
Woman: (ahhhh) Nope. I just started leave today.
Lou: You too?
Woman (smirking) Yep. Two weeks of R & R. And you know what that means?
Lou: I can guess...
Woman: It means MAMA’S FEELIN’ THIRSTY!!
Random voice in the crowd: Amen to that!
After a few drinks and some small talk, Lou and his new best friend get to know each other…
Lou: You seem familiar… I know! You’re one of those Wizard Archers aren’t you?
Woman: Yep. A Wizard Archer of Regus, at your service.
Lou: (Smiling) I can dig it.
Woman: Down boy, I’m only here to get hammered, not nailed.
Lou: (Laughs, snaps fingers) darn. Oh well, as long as I get acquainted with the gin and tonic sisters, I’ll be okay.
Woman: Aren’t you Haste Soldier Company?
Lou: Yeah. How’d you know?
Woman: You’re one of the few men serving Regus who’s almost as thin as me (laughs).
Lou: (Rolls eyes) yeah, thanks. Does this “Wizard Archer of Regus” have a name?
Woman: I’m Alice.
Lou: My name’s Lou.
Alice: How do you do?
Lou: Oh gods don’t start.
Ten minutes and six drinks later…
Lou: You don’t get it! I ALWAYS DIE FIRST!!
Alice: Oh wah wah wah. Cry me a river.
Lou: Oh really? Well let me ask you something. Who has to face down those DAMN lycanthropes first huh? ME. Who has to take on weissvogel, the Folrart Guardians, and the REST of the sunny-side up bridage alone for the first two minutes? Raise your hand if you do. (Lou raises hand, then points to hand) Oh, well look at that. Who has to play a scratching post to a cat-girl or try to live through a kung-fu demonstration with those combat monks for five minutes? (Points to himself) Yo. By the gods we should rename ourselves the Fast Food Company. We run in, and we get chewed out.
Lou: Don’t laugh.
Alice: Don’t make it so funny. Fast Food Company. That’s gold.
Lou: Man…its b.s. that’s what it is.
Alice: At least you GET to fight.
Alice: Yeah. You get to hit ‘em in the mouth and run. Me? It’s like I kicked the gods in the uprights in a past life or something.
Lou: I ain’t following.
Alice: As soon as I step on the field, some crazy Crest **** hits me with flesh recycle. If we fight Folrart, it’s either stun-ray or Judgment hammer. In Heierrat, oh you’ll love this, all these big, bad mercenaries and their “level-up” promotions. As soon as I’m there, they crappin’ in their pants. They don’t know what to do. I’m about to bust an arrowhead in their ****, and then guess what happens?
Lou: Umm… (Shrugs shoulders)
Alice: SALAMANDER!! M—HER (Bleep) SALAMANDER!!
Lou: Huh? Oh yeah. Sorry.
Alice: Almost EVERY friggin’ time. I mean, you got the lancers, the witches, the rapiers, hell; I fought with a GIANT TURTLE for gods sakes. But they STILL wanna piece of me.
Lou: Don’t you mean a giant ancient tortoise? I fought with them too. They’re pretty nice as long as you feed them.
Alice: I’M TELLIN THE STORY HERE!! Gods, I’m just a woman with F---ING bow and arrow here.
Lou: (Lowers head) yes ma’am.
Alice: Pfft. Heierrat. What a bunch of candy ****.
Lou: You ever think if we walked on the battlefield reading books instead of holding weapons, they’d run away?
Alice: (laughs hard) Dammit, you almost made spit my drink out.
Lou: (In a deep cockney accent) “Oy, what the bloody ‘ell dey doin’?” “Deys readin’ guv’nor. Words in everythin’.” “Oy, Words! Run like the bloody win’, run like the bloody win’.”
Lou: what’s their god’s name again? Gowen?
Alice: (Still laughing) yes.
Lou: “Me am Gowen. Me like fire. Fire fire fire. Fire good.
Alice: (STILL laughing) oh gods, that was hilarious.
Lou: Thank you, thank very much.
Alice: You have a gift.
Lou: My dad and Gowen have one thing in common.
Alice: Oh? What?
Lou: They’re both allergic to bees.
Alice: I’m so sorry.
Lou: It’s ok. The difference is my dad is allergic to flying bees. Gowen’s allergic to spelling bees.
Lou: Gowen’s so stupid…
Just then a middle aged, grizzled, armored, smoking one-eyed man walks in with a young boy, and a young, rugged-looking man and woman. And he just happens to overhear the conversation…
Greg: …So…What can I get the lady and gentlemen?
Young, rugged-looking man (YRLM): You hear that boss? He thinks we’re gentle. Ha!
Middle aged man: Depending on this boy’s next choice of words, an ambulance. Tell me son. Since you seem to be an expert on lord Gowen, what other revelations can you discern about him?
Lou: Listen pops, I’m just trying to have a drink and a conversation with a beautiful woman here. I ain’t looking for trouble.
Young, rugged-looking woman (YRLW): I see the drink, and clearly you’re talking, but where’s this beautiful woman at? You must be referring to me.
Alice: Knock knock Lou.
Lou: (Genuinely confused) who’s there?
Alice: Two seconds.
Lou: (Concerned AND confused) two seconds…Who?
Alice: Two seconds before I split this ****’s weave in half.
Random voice in crowd: Oh snap.
Random voice in crowd: If that was me I’d slap the taste outta her mouth.
YRLW: I never gutted a little girl before. (Pulls out dagger) Oh well, first time for everything.
Alice: I got your “little girl” right…
Just before Alice could prove how much of a lady she truly is, a man with shining blue armor and a glowing sword steps in between the two parties.
Man: Easy guys. In here we’re all just people. We all just came in for a drink or two. Isn’t that right Lou?
Lou: (Looks at the middle-aged man) yeah.
Man: Alice, I’m I gonna have to lock you in the brig again?
Alice: (Sighs and puts away her arrow) No sir.
Man: (Looks and Lou and Alice, and then looks at the Heierrat party) don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing, are we clear?
YRLM: (Walks up to the man) You the bouncer here?
Man: Just a peacekeeper.
Middle-aged man: Fenrir!
Middle-aged man: Don’t give our…”Peacemaker” any trouble
YRLM/Fenris: I’m just funnin’ with him.
Middle-aged man: Adel, Duncan, Fenrir, go find a table.
Adel, Duncan and Fenrir: Yes Priest.
As the three young ones walk towards a table…
Adel: (To Lou) when you’re ready to talk to a REAL woman, I’m over there. Don’t worry. I won’t bite. Much. (Winks)
Alice: (Slaps Lou upside his head) Hey Lou, if you don’t mind,
Stop “SALUTING” the enemy.
Lou: …I mean…Yeah…Keep…Walkin. I bet she’s a tease anyway.
Fenrir: (Bucks at Lou) what are you lookin’ at?
Lou: (Smiling) someone with poor hygiene and lots of daddy issues?
Priest points to a table.
Man: Thank you.
Priest: Don’t get TOO comfortable. One more word about Gowen…
As the Heierrat party takes their seats, the azure-armored man has some words with Lou…
Man: Dammit Lou, I like a good joke myself, but sometimes you just go way too far.
Lou: It’s not my fault church-man over there can’t comprehend freedom of opinion, Marcus. He probably could if he wasn’t so busy burning down villages for money.
Marcus: (sighs) whatever his sins, he’s a customer here, so try and be civil okay?
Lou: For you Marcus. But if choir-boy, I mean “Priest” get outta line, he’s losing teeth.
Alice: and his OTHER eye.
Marcus: Hmm…Fair enough.
As the festivities resume, Marcus talks to a man in blue and white with a rapier at his side, and little Duncan tries to impress his would-be charge.
Marcus: Hey Sven, remember that winged snake thingie? What was his name? It starts with a Q…
Sven: Nay! The foul beast was Coatl.
Marcus: Yeah, you’re right. Man it took forever killing those things. Good thing you had my back.
Sven: Aye. And Angela the song sorceress, with her voice as heaven to mine ears, didst lift my morale, and thus did we slay the demons.
Marcus: Good times.
Duncan: Look mister, a ball of flames.
Marcus and Sven look at each other…And then Marcus, with a glowing hand, smacks the ball of flame harmlessly into the aether.
Marcus: Young man, there’s a reason why fire magic is banned in Regus. It’s very dangerous. A lot of people can get hurt.
Sven: Aye, little one. Thou should not treat fire as a child’s toy. For fire has no true master but its own.
Duncan: (sniffles) I’m sorry sir. I…Just…I want to be like you one day.
Marcus: You want to be a knight’s apprentice? Well it’s a lot of hard work. And you have to put the people’s safety above your own. If you find a good knight who’s willing to train you and you stick with your training, I have no doubt you will make a fine kni-
Priest: That’s enough of your babbling!
Marcus: Excuse me?
Priest: You all insult my god? Threaten my life? And fill my son’s head with lies and delusion of grandeur?
Marcus: Your son told me of his aspirations of knighthood by his own volition. I did not manipulate nor lie to him. I merely encouraged him to pursue his dream.
Sven: Tis true good sir. I can speak his honor in this matter.
Duncan: Dad…He just...Wanted me to be care-
Priest: Don’t interrupt two grown-ups while they speak! Have I taught you nothing!? Adel, Fenrir, to arms. Tonight we bring lo the high and mighty Reg—(crack). (Holding jaw) What in? What just hit me?
Lou: One of the high and mighty Regus folk you were talking about. You can call me the tooth-fairy (Opens his hand to reveal a single tooth)
Priest: Adel, Fenrir. Show this “fairy” the might of the Heierrat army.
Adel: Yes sir.
Fenrir: Took ya long enough to ask old man.
Lou: He called me a fairy. Clever old **** (smiles)
As the battle ensues, Alice faces a difficult decision…
Alice: Geez…Do I hit uberskank on the left, or ole beer-gut himself on the right? Decisions, decisions.
Fenrir: (While fighting Lou) Hey old man, how about a drink?
Priest: (Smiling while fighting Marcus and Sven) Sounds good. What did you have in mind?
Fenrir tosses a bottle to Adel and Priest. Marcus reads the bottle.
Marcus: Panther Soul?
Priest: It gives you wings.
When Priest, Adel, and Fenrir drink Panther Soul, something remarkable happens. Old wounds heal. Muscle mass is increased. Their speed increases, and the air crackles with their newfound strength.
Sven: Surely the gods jest?
Alice: Ah hell no. Come on Mystere, let me fire just one arrow. Please?
Mystere: At this point, you’d only anger them further. Besides, this is good for business. Isn’t that right Greg?
Greg: Usually, yes. But this is getting out of hand.
Mystere: Alice, Greg, be still. Should things get chaotic I will send everyone home. That is the power of Falkow, to wield and control chaos and to be its master.
Alice: No kiddin’. Half of our spells blow up in our faces anyway.
Meanwhile, back in the fighting…
Fenrir: Yeah son. What now? You was talkin’ all that good sh—(Punch)
Lou: And I still a—(Kick to the face)
As Lou reels from Adel’s kick, she tackles him, straddles him, and now our hero finds himself in a position that is awkward, deadly, and…intriguing all at once with a dagger at his throat. Learning firsthand that Hell hath no fury…
Lou: Adel right? I’m confused. Not ten minutes ago, you wanted me for a plaything.
Adel: From this angle, I don’t see how much has changed. And besides, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were enjoying this.
Lou: Well this is just me and my simple man-logic, but usually there’s only ONE sharp, pointy thing during foreplay.
Lou: is able to kick Adel off of him. But immediately is pinned back down by Fenrir, and reintroduces himself with a rain of fists.
Fenrir: (While punching Lou) You still got jokes now?
Lou: (While being punched) Yeah. Ow. What do y-ow. Get-ow. When you smash peanuts? Owww.
With all of his might, he pushes Fenrir off and punches him in…Well…You do the math.
Fenrir: OH MOTHER OF !^@%#*@^#(!)#*&
Lou: Peanut butter. Ow my ribs.
In fight number two…
Priest: (While locking swords with Marcus and Sven) Just like Regus scum. Neither have one you had what it takes to beat me singlehandedly, so you resort to numbers, trickery, and magic.
Marcus: Oh get off your high horse. Like you never summoned a fire tornado during battle. How does the old rhyme go? “When in doubt and despair take hold, kill em easy with a fire arrow”? You reds are some of THE most cowardly opponents I’ve ever fought.
Sven: Aye. Thou wouldst raze the whole of Lavato, and even thine own selfs before admitting defeat.
Priest: (lunges forward) Death before dishonor.
Sven: Oh. So the old crow knows of honor? Honor so base and vulgar, that thou sendth an imp of flames towards mine fair compatriot? If thou truly haveth honor, thou would take her arrow into thine breast, and fight on still.
Alice: Woo! Preach Sven preach.
Marcus: Red rover red rover send Sven over (throws Sven at Priest)
Sven: Have at thee!
In the midst of the fighting, Duncan is both scared and thirsty, so in hiding he drinks what left of Priest’s Panther Soul…
Marcus: (Clashing with Priest) and another thing. Why do you mercs always fight behind someone else? I’m Always on the front line.
Priest: Then you’re a fool.
Marcus: And you’re a punkass!
As If on cue, a new, titanic, superhuman Duncan emerges from under the table. His presence is that of a mountain. His voice, a lion that’s roar is thunder.
Duncan: STOP FIGHTING!! NOW!!
Mystere: Oh dear.
Greg: Oh boy.
Duncan: NO MORE FIGHTING!!
Lou: Yeah. (Nervously) No fightin’. I can dig it. What about you?
Fenrir: (Nervously) I’m good. Who needs fighting? You need fighting?
Adel: (Also nervously) No, Not at all.
Priest: Now calm down Duncan. We’ve all stopped fighting.
Marcus: Yes Duncan. Calm down. You said you wanted to be a knight? So you can protect people? Well knights are able to calm down and not hurt innocent people. You wouldn’t want to hurt these innocent people would you?
Sven: Calm thyself child, when thou art prepared, we shall train thee into knighthood, with thy father’s blessing.
A smile fits into Duncan’s new foreboding demeanor. He looks to Priest for approval.
Priest: …I don’t like it…But if it’s what you want, then…Ok.
And before he could finish his sentence, Duncan shrinks back into his childish self.
Marcus: …Yeah…That’s one way of describing it.
Priest: …I think we did enough damage here. Fenrir, get Duncan and let’s…
Duncan stirs and awakens…
Lou: So…Sorry about…Y’know…Punching you…And stuff
Priest: Ahhh…You ain’t the first nor last.
Fenrir: Yeah, for a Regus punk, you fight pretty well. (Thinks about comment) I know I know, shut up Fen. (Slaps self upside the head)
Before Marcus could finish his train of thought, a young, surly woman with a staff that has a blue radiating orb at the business end rushes in…
Woman: HEY! If you LADIES are done pillow-fightin’ and talkin’ about boys, we have an actual problem out here.
I AM THE LORD OF FIRE!! THE LIEGE OF RAGE!! I AM THE EMPEROR OF FLAMES!! BEHOLD FOR I, ALLIND, WILL NOT STOP UNTIL ALL OF HEAVEN AND EARTH BURN!!
Marcus: Well, duty calls. (He turns to Priest) Aid us against Allind, and your debt to the Smooth Magic tavern shall be paid in full.
Priest: Adel, Fenrir, Duncan, you heard him. We have work to do.
Priest then feeds Duncan more Panther Soul…
Priest: Duncan, There’s a dragon outside. He hurt me, your sister, your brother, and called your mother dirty names.
Lou: AND he said you’re as stupid as a Dagon and twice as ugly.
Priest glares at Lou.
Lou: What? I’m just helping with the team spirit here. (In mini-voice) Sis boom bah?
Duncan: DRAGON HURT ADEL? DRAGON HURT FENRIR? DRAGON HURT FATHER!? DRAGON CALLS MOM DIRTY NAMES!? DRAGON SAYS DUNCAN IS STUPID AND UGLY? DUNCAN SHOWS DRAGON WHO IS STUPID AND UGLY.
Lou: Wait for it…
Duncan: DUNCAN SMASH PUNY DRAGON!!!
And in a single bound, Duncan leaps out of a window, and towards battle with Allind, as for the rest of our heroes…
Marcus: Well, what are we waiting for? You want a child take all the glory from you?
Everyone except Priest and Sven: HELL NO!
Sven: I for one find it most detestable, having a boy doing men’s work.
Priest: Even with our combined efforts, that “boy” can grind our bones into dust. I’m looking forward to seeing what he does to that overgrown lizard.
Lou: Hey Marcus, who was the chick with the staff?
Marcus: Sky Staff Company. They’re new. They usually partner with the Undine Soldier Platoon. (To everyone) Tonight, we fight for freedom, knowledge, and the deep blue sea!
Priest: For Regus AND GOWEN!!
Everyone rushes to battle. Everyone except…
Alice: Come on Lou. We gotta go.
Lou: Just when I thought I was out…
Alice: Oh please. You love it and you know it.
Lou: (laughs) Yeah.
As Lou and Alice leave to join the rest of the group, one last question plagues Lou.
Lou: Hey Alice.
Lou: When this is over, and we’re still alive…
Alice: Waaaay ahead of you. My place. And you BETTER bring your A-game.
Lou pauses for a moment smiles and says to himself…