Moment

Moment

Postby Grain » Thu Nov 13, 2008 5:16 pm

Let him wish his life
For the sorrows of a stone
Never knowing the first thread
Of these
Never knowing the pain of ice
As its crystals slowly grow
Needles pressing in on the heart

To lie forever, and never feel a thing
To wait a million lifetimes
Only to erode
And become sand

Wish not for the stone
But for the fire
Last only moments
But for the fire
Last only moments, but change everything

Oh! To be thunder!
To exists for less than a moment
Yet in that moment
To expose the world to every open eye
Oh! To be lightning!
To clap and ring
Rumbling into memories
Minds and spines

To chill the soul and shake the very ground
Pounding even the sand
Into smaller pieces
OR, choose the mountain
Brooding, extinct
Yet still gathering in that one fatal moment
The power to blow the top clean off the world!
And leave nothing, but nothing unmoved behind you
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Re: Moment

Postby lupos » Thu Nov 13, 2008 6:46 pm

I suppose good change or bad change is the question. Though I have plenty of days where I think dramatic change either way would be good as things as they are are not.
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Re: Moment

Postby mijorre » Fri Nov 14, 2008 5:07 am

Oh boy. Somewhere deep down in me, the literary critic went on a rant.

I'll just mention some things that irk me most about the poem and delete all the rest.
~
*The random punctuation is inconsistent and the sentences should either be aligned with each other

cfr.: To expose the world to every open eye
cfr.: OR, choose the mountain
cfr.: And leave nothing, but nothing unmoved behind you
cfr.: To chill the soul and shake the very ground

or to be divided

cfr.: Never knowing the first thread / Of these //
cfr.: Only to erode / And become sand //

*The volta in traditional poetry should be placed higher up, seeing as how now the mountain part loses a lot of impact.

*Also:
Thunder |ˌθʌndə|
noun
a loud rumbling or crashing noise heard after a lightning flash due to the expansion of rapidly heated air.

Lightning |ˌlʌɪtnɪŋ|
noun
the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud, accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder

You may want to switch those two around, in order to have some sense in there instead of poetic liberty to the max.
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Re: Moment

Postby Romdeau » Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:23 pm

Grain I think you've stirred the poetic beast within Mijore.
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Re: Moment

Postby Grain » Fri Nov 14, 2008 4:22 pm

mijorre wrote:Oh boy. Somewhere deep down in me, the literary critic went on a rant.

I'll just mention some things that irk me most about the poem and delete all the rest.
~
*The random punctuation is inconsistent and the sentences should either be aligned with each other

cfr.: To expose the world to every open eye
cfr.: OR, choose the mountain
cfr.: And leave nothing, but nothing unmoved behind you
cfr.: To chill the soul and shake the very ground

or to be divided

cfr.: Never knowing the first thread / Of these //
cfr.: Only to erode / And become sand //

*The volta in traditional poetry should be placed higher up, seeing as how now the mountain part loses a lot of impact.

*Also:
Thunder |ˌθʌndə|
noun
a loud rumbling or crashing noise heard after a lightning flash due to the expansion of rapidly heated air.

Lightning |ˌlʌɪtnɪŋ|
noun
the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud, accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder

You may want to switch those two around, in order to have some sense in there instead of poetic liberty to the max.


Thank you very much.

I didn't create the poem.

I typed it from memory.

I can't find a trace of it using Google.
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Re: Moment

Postby lupos » Fri Nov 14, 2008 5:53 pm

"wish not for the stone", in quotes, turned up 3 results.

This appears to be the whole thing:

Moment

Let him wish his life
For the sorrows of a stone
Never knowing the first thread
Of these
Never knowing the pain of ice
As its crystals slowly grow
Needles pressing in on the heart
To live forever
And never feel a thing
To wait a million lifetimes
Only to erode and become sand
Wish not for the stone
But for the fire
Last only moments
But change everything
Oh to be lightning
To exist for less than a moment
Yet in that moment
To expose the world to every open eye
Oh to be thunder
To clap and ring
To rumble into memories
Minds and spines
To chill the soul and shake the very ground
Pounding even the sand
Into smaller pieces
Or the mountain
Brooding, extinct
Yet gathering for one fatal moment
The power to blow the top clean off the world
Oh to last the blink of an eye and leave nothing
But nothing unmoved behind you
Vincent Guilliano
January 9, 1991



http://coralfrog.wordpress.com/2008/02/11/flowers-in-the-desert/
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