mijorre wrote:Oh boy. Somewhere deep down in me, the literary critic went on a rant.
I'll just mention some things that irk me most about the poem and delete all the rest.
*The random punctuation is inconsistent and the sentences should either be aligned with each other
cfr.: To expose the world to every open eye
cfr.: OR, choose the mountain
cfr.: And leave nothing, but nothing unmoved behind you
cfr.: To chill the soul and shake the very ground
or to be divided
cfr.: Never knowing the first thread / Of these //
cfr.: Only to erode / And become sand //
*The volta in traditional poetry should be placed higher up, seeing as how now the mountain part loses a lot of impact.
a loud rumbling or crashing noise heard after a lightning flash due to the expansion of rapidly heated air.
the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud, accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder
You may want to switch those two around, in order to have some sense in there instead of poetic liberty to the max.
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