mijorre wrote:Oh boy. Somewhere deep down in me, the literary critic went on a rant.
I'll just mention some things that irk me most about the poem and delete all the rest.
*The random punctuation is inconsistent and the sentences should either be aligned with each other
cfr.: To expose the world to every open eye
cfr.: OR, choose the mountain
cfr.: And leave nothing, but nothing unmoved behind you
cfr.: To chill the soul and shake the very ground
or to be divided
cfr.: Never knowing the first thread / Of these //
cfr.: Only to erode / And become sand //
*The volta in traditional poetry should be placed higher up, seeing as how now the mountain part loses a lot of impact.
a loud rumbling or crashing noise heard after a lightning flash due to the expansion of rapidly heated air.
the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud, accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder
You may want to switch those two around, in order to have some sense in there instead of poetic liberty to the max.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests