Critique please? - hit me plenty!

[Peralisc9001]

I was told that my recent short story I sent to a contest is too heavy on profanity and gore. I just can't see the part where I went overboard. But if you can, then please let me know.

http://www.Writing.Com/main/view_item/i ... n-the-Edge

Maybe I'm too used to stories like gantz and beserk, where gore is natural.
The judge stopped reading at the barmaid part. I'm unable to see the bad bit.


I hope linking the story is alright. If it's not, then feel free to remove it!

[InfernityFan]

How tolerant is the judge you were referring to towards gore? Depending on him, the gory bit might be a bit too descriptive like this sentence for example:

That small sharp pin of a knife pierced to his eye, into his brain.

I personally don't think it's overboard. Still, If you compare it to the likes of Gantz/Berserk, the gore is relatively normal. But you balance it out by not writing too much of the gory scenes, usually only in one sentence or two. On the other hand, the story you wrote sets in a medieval era setting, so that level of gore in your story should have been expected, unless you are talking about the disney medieval setting... By the way, Gantz/Berserk is still relatively tame compared to, say, Saya no Uta and Gore Screaming Show. Though that's why you won't find them outside of visual novel scenes.

Also, Urgrait, really? Why does it suspiciously sounds like Ugrant... Maybe it's the backstory of Urgrant you are writing about

[Peralisc9001]

It's a joke:
You great - u great , grayt - thus ugrait

You can extend it to urgant I guess. He's a knight too.


The Voice guy is actually a character from a game of which I still have just the outline for put on paper. It would be an npc.



Thx for reply and opinion. If you really think it was that mild then I can only guess the judge has other preferences.

[Muklas]

The gore in Gantz is more for comedy than anything else.

[Peralisc9001]

Oh here's a comment from the judge. Maybe someone can clarify:

I dint read through the whole thing. It was the scen where the main character walked into town and he and his long lost friend were have drinks in the tavern. It was the frined's language (thoughts). One was in reference to the barnaid's shape. I didn't make it past this setting.

[methebest]

judge sounds like a noob

[InfernityFan]

Oh here's a comment from the judge. Maybe someone can clarify:

I dint read through the whole thing. It was the scen where the main character walked into town and he and his long lost friend were have drinks in the tavern. It was the frined's language (thoughts). One was in reference to the barnaid's shape. I didn't make it past this setting.

Maybe this:

It just didn’t want to show itself anywhere they stared. No matter how large they were opening their eyes. But what they could see was the waitress’ nicely shaped rounded ****.

And I agree with methebest, even his review has a lot of misspelling, asking grammar naz* to knock his door

[Peralisc9001]

That's some really retarded opinion.

Need a different site for writing contests or to publish random stuff.